Monday, July 14, 2008

Ich ben ein Obamakinder

by Dirk Schlaf (apostle of Kinskichrist, from Berlin)

My introduction of Obama at the Red Army Memorial in Treptower Park:

I hear there is some dispute over where he gives his speech. The Red Army Memorial in Treptow is better than the Brandenburg gate. I, of course, will be drinking a Berliner Pilsner in a leather jacket, my Godard sunglasses setting off my square jaw in the sunlight, on this occasion I will be smoking an unfiltered Gaulioses, even though I stopped smoking years ago.

The crowd will have been warmed up by Music from Lee Perry, Faust, Softcell, My son Sven MC (fathered with Bibi Anderson) The Scorpions, Public Enemy and a Nico look-alike contest with Air providing the backing Musik.The neo-Mohawks will be banned from the park. Get a real one like Travis or the guy from the Exploited or give it up. As me, Flavor Flav (after performing new hit "Ain't gonna take his dick to Heimytown"), the Mayor of Berlin, Chancellor Merkel and Premier Medvedevdevedevdevevdevedevedevdevedev join hands with the new Christsavior of the USA surrounded by a coiteree of Dirkenkinder, I will step forward and salute the crowd with one raised fist and a perfectly executed scissor front snap kick, my black Doc Marten glistening in the Son. When the crowd is silent, I begin:

Esteemed guests, fellow Berliner und Berlinerin, workers, producers plagued by the parasites, the bloated vermin of the speculative class which is now dying of it's own decadence and corruption... Here on this day I step forward, here on the spot commemorating the defeat of Fascism with my strangely tumescent and omnipresent Bruder Obamoramorama and pledge a new US Amero alliance against neoliberalism, bad musik, bad haircuts, stupid polo shirts with the collars turned up, shaved headed Nosferatus, pretty girls who have shave headed Nosferatus as boyfriends, landlords and any combination of these pathologies. On this day Obama will pledge the entire resources of the US to the dawn of the Dirkenkinder and today we will in the setting Prussian sun have a fertility Fest. Obama will toungekiss both man and woman, Dirk will be the apotheosis of fertility God.
Death to neoliberalism and the Stepford Whores, Death to Prozac Musik and American bulletheaded lowbrowed culture. WAR IS A RACKET. Come Obama and greet Berlin but first we must strip to the waist (or fully if you like!) and full contact spar to knockout or submission. The secret service will not mind... just kidding-- I know you are weak and wouldn't stand a chance. Here is the mike...SPEAK... first you buy us all a beer, yes?

What do you think? Anyone have connections in his campaign???


Dirk Schlaf said...

ahhh...Danke Herr Boone. I will gladly give Big Media Vandal the first play of the US release of my mass hit rap song "Fraulein Ihre Mann hat einen Nosfaratukopf!" (loosely translated as Showtay yo Man has a Nosferatu head!)

I think I should find some American Negro boom dee boom producer to remix it for the US though...

Anya you little Polish slut! How many times have I told you I want my espresso with crushed ice on the side! And upon waking I need the finale of "Der Meistersinger" not Tanhauser! And tell Schumacher I will put my boot up his Arsch if he reduces the boost on the Ferarri!

...sorry if she was not so supple and nubile I would have fired her long ago, besides she is the illegitamate daughter of Onkel Otto and albert Speer's servant girl.

No answer yet from Obama but his wife sends me strange pornography.

Liebe Grusse,


Phil said...

What is German for "gonzo" anyway?

Dirk Schlaf said...

"Pimmelfick" according to Google Sprachtools.

odienator said...

Obama won't be the only Negro in Germany. I too shall be there for work, starting Monday morning.

Trying to learn German with a lisp is a major bitch. The Obamaniacs will be in one part, and the Odienator will be in another, being a bad boy:

Me: Mein name ist Odie von Shtupp. Fraulein, kann ich ihre BLEEP haben?

Fraulein: Wie möchten Sie zahlen?

Me: Ich zahle mit KreditKarte.

Fraulein: Bitte nur Bargeld!

Me: Ich habe nur 200 euros. Haben sie Wechselgeld?

Fraulein: Nein.

Me: OK. Können Sie mir BLEEP zeigen?

Fraulein: Ja! (Fraulein zeigen Odie)

Me: Ich nehme es!! Whoo hoo!

Cut me some slack. I've only been at this shit two weeks. Ich spreche nicht Deutsch! I am so dead.

Steven Boone said...

This is unprecedented! Two BMV contributors in Germany at the same time. Y'all can squabble over who's Bureau Chief.

For real, though, anybody who thinks we're just bullshitting here: Odie and Dirk are indeed in Germany on seperate business.

I hope one or both of y'all manage to crash Obamafest and send in some pimmelfick dispatches. We could get the Pulitzer.

odienator said...

Unfortunately, Obama will be closer to Dirk than to me. I'll be in Bavaria, in Landshut and Munich, recreating that absolutely stupid sex scene from Spielberg's mvoie, the one that looks like Flashdance.

Just in case you didn't catch the gist of that bad German dialogue, I was bargaining for BLEEP. German seems to be the one language I don't know the dirty words for yet.


My name is Odie von Shtupp. Can I have your bleep? How will you pay for it? I will use my credit card. Cash only, please! I only have 200 euros. Do you have change? No. OK. Can I [at least] see your bleep? Yes. (She shows it.) I'll take it! Whoo hoo!

Mark Twain was right about the German language.

Dirk Schlaf said...

Herr Odie, You should have told me you needed Fick Aktion in Muenchen. BezirkKommandant Boone could have told you that my reputation as The Prussian Pimp is undiminished in Muenchen despite the awful editing of my Maoist porn pics by Otto Wurstwerfen at the behest of my Schlechtest Fiend, bug eyed freak Udo Kier.

Think of me as you chow down on that Rathaus Weisswurst. You make me weinen as I think of my youth with Kinski, running in der Englischer Garten mit den Maedchen free and without pants as all men should.

Obama has gone the pedestrian route of choosing the "victory column" which is the motif of a somewhat watchable Wenders film, instead of my epic Treptower Soviet War Memorial ideen. I am becoming well acquainted with his wife by e-mail however.

You are recreating one of Spielborg's sex scenes? It must be Oedipal and involve a dog ja?

Anyway for a fick feck. Hang out around the entrance of Hoffbrauhaus and wait for Willi Fleischmuessen. He always shows us around Mittelnacht und we are distant cousins. He can show you around. Ignoree those Russian ponces!