It's Election Eve, ladies and gentlemen, and once again, I'm here providing a public service message on Big Media Vandalism. On Super Tuesday, I introduced my get out the vote campaign, which I called Vote or Get Your Ass Whipped because Puffy had already trademarked Vote Or Die. I'm a far less violent Negro than Diddy, which is probably why BET wouldn't run my prior ad. I don't expect them to run this one either. Kudos to BMV for allowing me to get the message out.
I'm not here to tell you whom to vote for, because if I had the power to sway you, I'd ask for something more important, like the keys to your BMW or Halle Berry's phone number. This is just to guilt you into voting. I'll let my commercial speak for itself.
(On a university campus)
Ray-Ray: Hey, Dr. Boone!
Dr. Boone: Hello, young man. You're Raymond Aloysious D'Shawn Washington. You're in my Punany Power 101 class.
Ray-Ray: Yes sir. I'm learning so much, but I'm struggling with the homework.
Dr. B: Perhaps I can help. I'm on my way to the polling place. Would you like to walk with me? We can discuss the assignment while we wait on line to vote. Or have you voted already?
Ray-Ray: Naw. I'm not voting, Dr. Boone.
Dr. B: (stops walking and turns to Ray Ray) You're not voting?!
Ray-Ray: Naw, Joe says that my candidate has the vote in the bag already.
Dr. B: Joe? You mean R&B singer Joe?!
Ray-Ray: Yeah, Joe the Singer.
Dr. B: You actually listened to that fool? Raymond Aloysius D'Shawn Washington, come with me! (Grabs Ray-Ray by the arm.)
(In Dr. Boone's office)
Ray-Ray: Dr. Boone, what's going on? Am I in trouble?
Dr. B: (sternly) I need you to talk to a friend of mine. (Throws hands up in the air) MAMA COO MAMA SAH MAKU-MAKU-SAH! ITCHY GITCHY YAH YAH DAH DAH!
Ray-Ray: Whoa! If you practicing voodoo, I need to leave man!
Dr. B: (speaking backwards)
Ray-Ray: I'm out! You possessed by Missy Elliot! (Goes to leave)
(A loud explosion blocks the door)
Ray-Ray: What the fu--?! Holy mac and cheese! Frederick Douglass!
Frederick Douglass: (played by Sam Jackson wearing his Unbreakable hairstyle) Young man, would you kindly explain to me why you're not voting?
Ray-Ray: (in shock) What?
FD: What country are you from, boy?
Ray-Ray: (still in shock) What?
FD: DO THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?!
Ray-Ray: Uh...uh...I'm from Newark, Mr. Douglass! They speak Ebonics and stuff in Newark. I'm not voting because my candidate doesn't need my vote.
FD: Does your candidate look like the President?
FD: (pulls out a whip, one of those Massa-Beat-Yo-Ass whips) SAY WHAT AGAIN! SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU! ANSWER MY QUESTION!
Ray-Ray: No, he isn't the President.
FD: Then why are you treating him like your President?
(The whip flies through the air. CRACK!)
Ray-Ray: Ouch! Ouch! TOBY! (Rubs ass) Damn, Mr Douglass!
FD: Answer me, boy! I didn't take all those ass whippings so trifling jackasses like you can piss on my memory! (raising whip)
Ray-Ray: OK OK! I get it! I'll go vote! My vote counts!
FD: You know I once ran as a VP candidate.
Ray-Ray: Oh yeah? Like Sarah Palin?
Ray-Ray: (rubbing ass) Ow! What was that for?!
FD: (under his breath) Smart ass muthafu--
Dr. B: Mr. Douglass, I think the young man has gotten the point. Haven't you, Raymond?
Ray-Ray: Yes sir! Let's go vote now!
FD: I'm glad I could help, Dr. Boone. Now excuse me, I have to go put my righteous foot in the ass of the fool who switched the Obama button with the McCain button on those voting machines in swing states.
Dr. B: Peace out. Let's go Raymond.
Announcer: Vote, or get your ass whipped by the ghosts of your ancestors!
Do it, people! VOTE!