By Odienator (Click here for all posts)
Last year, I made one political statement during Black History Mumf here at Big Media Vandalism. I think the current climate calls for another, which means only one thing: The Return of Odiebama to this blog! He was first loosed on this blog to act as a fantasy representation of how I’d respond if Barack Obama had been magically transformed into me. Normally, before Odiebama’s appearances, I would run a disclaimer stating “this is satire, folks!” But if you actually believe the following happened, no disclaimer will help your stupid ass.
Odiebama, or should I say, PRESIDENT Odiebama, has been good until now. But like most Negroes, he has a threshold that, once crossed, results in what I call a “LOOKEE HERE moment.” The elders used to call it “showing your ass.” Herewith, a report on President Odiebama’s first LOOKEE HERE moment in office.
Brenda BlackMan: Good evening. Tonight on My Ghetto Nine News, President Odiebama uses some strong words for Congress in his latest press conference. The Beltway is abuzz about the events of earlier today. This news story is not for the kids, so put those little bastards to bed.
It started out like any other speech by a President. Odiebama held a press conference that quickly turned into a conduit for the President’s anger.
Odie: Good afternoon, America. I interrupted The Young and the Restless to speak to you today about the economic stimulus package I have been trying to get passed by Congress. Now, like Congress, I work for you. You elected me just as you elected your other government officials. So it is not too much for you to expect that we will do what is in your best interest. I know you share my frustration in this matter, for I have spoken with you. People like Mary Jacobs, a mother of four whose job was cut despite her loyalty for the past 30 years, and Phil, an idealistic young man who cannot find work despite having three Masters degrees and a doctorate. “It almost makes me want to crawl into a bottle of YN,” he told me.
I know that health care concerns you as well. I remember how worried Steven Boone was when he explained to me that, after having his medical job outsourced to the CEO’s pet seal, he would have no health care to help him buy the Tussin he so desperately needed. Meanwhile, that same CEO was using bailout money to buy solid gold DVD’s of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour for his top executives.
America, this cannot stand.
I have tried to be bi-partisan about this package, but it seems that people on both sides of the aisle think bipartisanship is indulging your bi-curiosity at a party. Now is not the time to bicker. I am willing to hear ideas from Democrats and Republicans, but both have been guilty of crimes against the American people. My fellow Democrats keep slipping pet projects into the package—I’ve caught them all and removed them—and the Republicans have said no in the hopes that this will fail and they’ll regain power, which is equally self-indulgent and not in your best interest. (Raises voice) I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I promised change, and it’s time I implemented some change.
(In frustration, Odiebama pulls out a cigarette and lights it. As he exhales a puff of smoke, audible gasps rise from the audience.)
Odie: Relax! It’s a Newport.
Odie: LOOKEE HERE! (exhales smoke) This is what I’m talking about! The country is suffering, and the press is more worried about me smoking a damn cigarette than the Congressional bullshit that’s keeping the American people from getting help! That’s right, I said bullshit, because that’s exactly what this is! (Waving hand at an offscreen guy pointing to the TelePrompTer) Fuck that TelePrompTer! I’m mad now!
Press Member: (standing up) Mr. President, you can’t use that kind of profanity on TV.
Odie: When the President says it, it’s NOT profanity! Sit your ass down. I can’t believe this! People are starving, and you guys are reporting that I said muthafucka in my audiobook. CNN, Fox, Bloomberg, all y’all, get the fuck out of my house! (Points at camera, cigarette in hand.) I’m calling an emergency session of Congress RIGHT NOW. So get your drunk asses out of Beltway bars and your mistresses’ beds and get them in here. Do your job for the American people for a change, you dumb mutha-
(picture cuts back to Brenda)
BB: What happened next is even more shocking. Here in our studios are two Congressional pages who witnessed the events that transpired. On my immediate left is Ry, and to his left is Hal. Thank you for being here.
Pages: Thanks for having us.
BB: What happened?
Ry: I was trying to block text messages from Mark Foley--
Hal: How does he get our numbers? He’s not in Congress anymore!
Ry: Unfortunately, our numbers are listed. Anyway, I was fiddling with my iPhone while the Senate was being seated. Suddenly, the entire room filled with this rap beat. I recognized the song immediately.
Hal: It was “Got Your Money,” by Old Dirty Bastard! It was LOUD!
BB: You mean the song that goes (singing) “Hey, Dirty, Baby I Gotcha Money?”
Pages (in unison): Yup.
Hal: Then President Odiebama entered the room. He was dressed very conservatively—except for the hat.
Ry: It was a straight up pimp hat! From like 1975!
Hal: Yeah! Everything else happened so fast it was like a blur!
Ry: The President was running through Congress slapping the taste out Senator’s moufs!
Hal: Hittin’ people on BOTH sides of the aisle! Democrats, PA-POW!
Ry: Republicans, Ka-KRACK!!! People standing there looking stunned, as if they didn’t know what hit ‘em. It took ‘em a second before they realized “Hey, I just got bitchslapped by the leader of the free world!”
Hal: People holding their faces looking like this (Hal holds his face and opens his eyes and mouth as wide as possible)
Ry: It was like a rap video. Then Odiebama held up his hand and said “There will be more of this stimulus package if I have to come back here! Have my money!”
Hal: It was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in government. I want to be President!
BB: I’m just getting word that President Odiebama has called another press conference. Let’s go live, and hope it’s cleaner than the last one.
Odie: First, let me apologize for my language earlier. I was wrong. I screwed up and take full responsibility. (Holds up right hand, which looks swollen) On the positive side, after a very convincing talk, the Senate has decided to pass my stimulus bill. America, change and relief are coming. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America.
BB: We’ll be right back after this message from KFC, Colt 45 and Trojan Magnum condoms. You’re watching My Ghetto Nine News.