Causing Trouble With The Odienator

By Odienator

While Big Media Vandalism awaits the brief return of Black History Mumf next week, I thought I'd come out here and start some trouble. I should be a good Christian, with this being a Holy weekend and all, but if de Lawd can forgive pedophile priests who repent, I'm sure He'll look the other way while I talk shit and then say I'm sorry at the end.

The destruction of intelligent America began with two things: the PG-13 rating and the 24 hour news media. CNN, MSNBC, Fox and Headline News all clamor to find things to occupy the time when there is little news of importance to report, then Americans consume this junk assuming it is the Gospel Truth. This leads not only to a dumber constituency, but also constant harping on news that is either blatantly obvious and/or unworthy of being reported.

Case #1: Making Sense of Obama's Census Form

April Fool's Day was both Census Day and the day a certain cross between John Wayne and Marge Gunderson ran her show on Fox News. The latter topic is too easy to pick on, except to say that if you're going to integrate a show, don't do it with a rapper. The former is more intriguing, especially in light of the SHOCKING news about President Obama's Census form.

I shall not be critical of the President's form, as that would be hypocritical: At least he filled his out. When he did, his response to the race question was the controversially worded "Black, African Am or Negro."

Suddenly, this was news! It's been all over the telly and the web: President Obama identifies himself as Black, African Am or Negro! He probably even circled Negro and underlined it three times, following the word Negro with the word "Please!" Now, I advocated for people marking everything they were on the Census form, in the hopes it would blow up the machine that reads them. The fact that Obama left off half of his racial makeup is no surprise to me, a subscriber to the "One Drop Rule" created by long-ago White society. But why is this news and/or a surprise? When Carol Channing, God bless her raspy-voiced heart, came on a NYC radio station and outed herself as being the product of a half-Black father, that was a surprise. (I wish she'd said she existed "through the MAAAAA-gic of Negritude!") Obama identifying as Black is about as surprising as the Sun rising in the East in the morning. That's what people of his generation, mixed or all Black, used as identification.

Under normal circumstances, I'd say I'm waiting for the backlash, the headlines that say "Reverse-racist Obama denies half his racial makeup!" However, as that certain faction of society running around with tea bags on their heads indicate, Black people aren't the only ones wishing they could zap certain people out of their race. So I'm not expecting Fox News pundits to bitch about this because a key to their success is making you forget Obama's bi-racial, painting him as Black Ilsa: He Wolf of the SS. Obama's response to the race question helps them out. For once, the Census does some good for people!

Case #2: Badu's Butt Naked JFK Imitation

As much as I love her music, I've always thought Erykah Badu had that thing tied around her head a little too tightly. I've never been able to figure out what the hell she was talking about when she spoke at her concerts about ciphers and shit. But I'm a sucker for provocation, and Ms. Badu provided it in spades with her new video for Window Seat. In it, Badu does some guerilla style filmmaking in Dallas, walking down the street while stripping butt ass naked in full view of passers-by. In NYC, nobody would have given a shit--"oh just some crazy ass Negro droppin' her drawers on the street. NEXT!"--but her location in Dallas, near the sight of JFK's assassination, drew the ire of some folks and constant publicity on the 24 hour news media.

Badu herself showed up to explain, and as usual, I couldn't follow her logic to save my life. But I must give her credit for her daring, and thank her for some gratuitous nudity. She and Ossie Davis have something in common, that is, they've both invoked JFK within their body of work. Ossie played him in Bubba Ho-Tep, and if you are scratching your head as to how this is possible, please rent that wonderful mess of a movie.

Case #3: I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out!

Someday, I hope hearing of one's sexual preference ceases to be news. It would indicate to me that America has finally stopped harping on this bullshit. Of course, this will never happen as long as we're a country pretending to be following de Lawd's teachings and tenets. Or perhaps you'll just have to wait until all members of my generation, and the one before mine, drop dead. In the meantime, you'll have to continue to put up with "Is he or isn't he?" style gossip. Notice I didn't say "Is SHE or isn't SHE?" because every woman's a sometimes lesbian in the minds of our straight male, macho society. It's only the guys who deserve full demonization.

Barbara Walters famously asked Ricky Martin if he were gay, and she believed that his evasiveness is what "wuined his caweew." (Aside: I have a speech impediment, so I can make fun of hers and Tom Brokaw's with impunity. So shut up.) After Martin published a letter where he identified himself as gay, I had to see it all over cable and the news media FOR DAYS instead of the obvious "Well, DUH! Let's move on to more newsworthy fare!" Proving my male vs. female sexuality point is Anna Paquin's announcement that she's bisexual, a preference that, to me, always reeked of just plain old being greedy. Her headline was met with "well, that's nice, and hot too! Let's move on."

I need to get free publicity for Big Media Vandalism on the 24 hour news media, so here goes: I, Odienator, hereby admit that I will fuck anything that's over 18, human, breathing, and is a willing participant. Blind, deaf, dumb, cripple or crazy.

See you on CNN!

P.S. I'm sorry, Lawd!

P.P.S.: Unnecessary but sarcastic Big Media Vandalism disclaimer: It's satire, folks!