(for all Mumf pieces, click here)
As I have asked five prior times:
It's Super Bowl Sunday! Why are you here?!!
Shouldn't you be in front of your TV's hoping and praying for Sasha Fierce to have a wardrobe malfunction big enough to bankrupt CBS?
CBS stands for "Clothes Beyonce Shed."
That's what I'm doing as you read this, except I'm in a bar in San Francisco rooting for my beloved Niners.
But since you are here, I suppose I have to leave you with something. And I've got an idea! How about a fifth installment of the Black History Mumf national anthem? You can find the four prior instances of it here, here, here, and of course here.
Last year, I didn't do a Get to Know Your Movie Negroes song because, well, I ran out of Negroes. You know how it is sometimes. You're all ready to do something Black, and you open up your cupboard only to realize "Dammit, I'm fresh out of Negro. Gotta get down to Sam's Club." You have to buy bulk, you know, and the Sam in this particular Sam's Club is Samuel L. Jackson. Can you imagine accidentally dropping something at Sam Jackson's Club? The loudspeaker would blare "CLEANUP ON AISLE 3! MUTHAFUCKA DROPPED A GAAT-DAMN JAR UH PICKLES!"
All kidding aside, the reason I haven't done Black History Mumf's signature song is that I ran out of TYPES of Movie Negroes. But not Movie Negroes themselves. So this year, to celebrate the fifth installment of Get to Know Your Movie Negroes, there's a slightly new twist on our educational song. Instead of singing about types of Movie Negroes, I'm going to sing about the Negroes who were in movies last year.
Once again, with apologies to Bob from Sesame Street...
Sing along!
OHHHH-OHHHH!
Who are the Negroes in your cinema?
In your cinema
In your cin-e-ma, yes!
Who are the Negroes in your cinema?
They're the people movies make us play.
We met an Oscar-worthy child.
She lets imagination roam
My Mom would chase her with a comb.
Cuz Hushpuppy's a Negro in your cinema!
In your cinema!
In your cinema!
A 9-year old's a Negro in your cinema!
Her name's pronounced Kwuh-ven-zhuh-nay*
(*according to Wikipedia.)
I make fun of Hushpuppy's hair with affection, because seeing her made me think of all the times my mother chased the nappy-headed boy that was I down with her comb. I never combed my hair when I was 5 or 6 years old, which drove her crazy. She'd grab me, put me in a wrestling hold UFC fighters couldn't get out of, and then run that painful ass Ace comb through my kitchen, naps popping and me screaming "AAAAHHHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” If I squirmed too much, she'd pop me with that comb. That's what I thought of whenever I saw Hushpuppy.
I thought of "Ace comb." Other folks thought of two different words: "Poverty porn." What the fuck is that? A porn movie where people are screwing in the projects? As someone who's been poor, I can tell you there's nothing sexy about poverty. You know who uses terms like "poverty porn?" "Educated" folks who ain't never been broke. Next verse!
He'll need to be properly trained.
King Schultz teaches him how to shoot.
While Prince designs Django's blue suit.
Cuz the slave is a Negro in your cinema
In your cinema
In your cinema
Jamie Foxx plays this Negro in your cinema
He even blows White chicks away.
(Boone and I did our dissertation on Django already, but if I may add one more log to that fire, I loved reading the comments asking why Foxx shoots an unarmed White woman "for no reason." Gimme a break. Cinematic Southern White women, from Song of the South's Miss Sally to Mandingo's Blanche to Gone With the Wind's Scarlett Ho Hara have reaped the benefits of slavery in some monetary fashion, even if it just means living well while the menfolk went about the business of treating human beings like cattle. Can't say I felt sorry for the Candie Chick in Django Unchained. But lemme tell you whose character did! Last Verse!)
He loves to say "nigga" and curse.
He's tougher than you'll ever be.
The go-to Negro for QT.
Cuz' Sam Jackson is a nigga in your cinema
Can't say Negro here
Cuz he won't let me!
Slaves and broke ass kids are Negroes in your cinema!
They're the Negroes that you meet
When you're in your theater seat. They're the Negroes Ho'wood makes us playyyyyy!
Br'er Rabbit and Br'er Odienator Send Their Cinematic Regards
2 comments:
I thought of "Ace comb." Other folks thought of two different words: "Poverty porn." What the fuck is that? A porn movie where people are screwing in the projects? As someone who's been poor, I can tell you there's nothing sexy about poverty. You know who uses terms like "poverty porn?" "Educated" folks who ain't never been broke.
I enjoyed Ignatiy Vishnevetsky's takedown of BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD even though I suspected I would like the movie, same way I liked his dis of the Anglo-Kenyan film THE FIRST GRADER despite similar charges that it condescended to its brown-and-down characters.
Such takedowns tend to ring true but are often fired at the wrong targets. BEASTS felt condescending in only two brief instances. That's a pretty great score for a non-poor, educated white director tackling a milieu of multicolored peasantry adapted from a fanciful stage play. Even John Sayles and Jonathan Demme do a little figurative head-rub here and there.
Isn't it funny when folks get blindly outraged on behalf of another ethnic or social group? I just saw this video of your boy Roger flipping the script, turning such outrage back on a would-be savior.
Edit of above comment, 2nd paragraph:
I enjoyed Ignatiy Vishnevetsky's takedown of BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD even though I suspected I would like the movie, same way I liked the Anglo-Kenyan film THE FIRST GRADER despite similar charges that it condescended to its brown-and-down characters.
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